Philippe Coutinho to Barcelona

30 July: ‘Philippe Coutinho “on brink” of joining Barcelona in £70m deal’

23 August: ‘Barcelona preparing £138m bid for Philippe Coutinho’

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Our advice to Liverpool? Hold out for more.

At this rate, they’ll get enough to pay Messi’s buyout clause.

Benedikt Howedes to Liverpool

The Coutinho deal is far from done, but it seems Liverpool are already plotting how to spend the potential three-figure windfall.

On whom, you ask?

Will it be a quality playmaker like Thomas Lemar, a box-to-box midfielder like Naby Keita, or will they slide back into Southampton’s DMs for Virgil van Dijk?

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It’s a £20m move for Schalke’s Benedikt Howedes.

Targeting defensive players from the Bundesliga surely can’t go wrong for Jurgen Klopp.

After all, players like Joel Matip, Ragnar Klavan and Loris Karius have helped him build the air-tight defence that Liverpool boast today.

Karim Benzema to Arsenal

We’re not even going to bother with this one.

Keita Balde to Spurs

Daniel Levy’s finally awoken from his summer slumber, and he’s ready to blow his wad.

Davinson Sanchez is having a medical ahead of his £42m move from Ajax, while right-back Serge Aurier also looks like joining from PSG.

Meanwhile, Spurs fans – fresh from having watched ‘Welcome to Juventus: Keita Balde magic skills, assists, goals 2016/17’ on YouTube – have decided the Lazio winger’s definitely the signing they’ve wanted all along.

(He does look good, to be fair.)

Unfortunately for Spurs, all of this is pointless.

They’ll win nothing until they sign a witchdoctor to lift the Wembley hoodoo and Harry Kane’s August curse.

Jonny Evans to Manchester City

If you need any more evidence that the transfer market is completely out of control, then look no further.

After trying and failing all summer to sign a world-class centre-back, Manchester City have turned to Jonny Evans.

And they might not even be able to get him.

We’re not saying Evans isn’t a good defender. He’s excellent.

But clubs like West Brom shouldn’t be able to turn their noses up at huge money from clubs like Man City.

The transfer market needs some kind of hierarchy. At the moment it’s communism – and it must be stopped.

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